Monday, April 5, 2010

Going to talk abourt what is bothering me today

So I decided to rant a little bit. And i guess my blog is a perfect place to do this. One day while having one of my headaches, my mom asked me what kid of possible stress I could be having , if my life is so good. FRirst of all, even though she is my mother, she does not know me. I refuse to think she even understands me, so even though she is my mother and I love her, we are a part of her life where we decided to understand that we do not understand each other. Part of this is language barrier. I can speak Benagli adn she can speak English but we don not have a wide enough vocabulary of these languages to fully understand the meaning of what we are saying. Like for example i told my mother,  I always trying to be good and perfect.... She interrupts saing but a you are good daughter and we are proud of you. Well that wasn't what I was trying to get at all. I wanted her to understand the tension and pressure I get of always trying to be so. I just want to break out, make my own choices in life, dom't give a s*** about what everyone else thinks. If my choice turn out tot make my life a living hell , that would be a million times better than living with someone elses descions.

Another thing that bugs me is that i son't actually love love my parents. I mean I do in a sence that I would save thier life over a strangers if they were falling off a cliff. In that sence. But my relationship with my parents is based on fear. A symbol of them in my head are two big scary monsters who will kill me if I don't do what they tell me to do. Don't get me wrong. I get away with doing stuff. and I appreaciate them my parents for taking care of me. They do this more than most parents, treating us like princesses. But don't you think its sick to think of your parents as monsters.
In addtion, I don't always agree with their lifestyle choices. Their manners, etiquetts, and morals don't match mine. For example a big fight I had with my parents a few weeks ago was because When i was getting rice on my plate it was clumped and I refused to break it. They said before i got the vegetables I had to break the rice first, and If I ate this way all the bengali adults would laugh at me. First of all i don't give a s*** about what others think, and I cthink  my parents are.. how do I put this cowards? for caring about what other people think. And I could always break the ruce after I got the vegatables.

In sad truth, I am much happier when Im not home around my family.


AlabasterMuslim said...

Subhanallah dude, i really hope your migraines stop. inshallah the combination of trying to control your stress and wearing glasses will help!! I know some people who would have migraines so bad it would cause them to pass out. Authu Billah, inshallah that doesn't happen to you.

Congrats on the Ipod though!!
and OMG OMG OMG are these the cousins who use to live by you? The ones who moved to london a while back, right? I hope you have sooooooooooooooooo much fun and take a million bajillion pictues and video clips for memories!!

AlabasterMuslim said...

Uhhh ok this is so weird....I read your first post about migraines, posted my comment...came to this post about your parents, and the comment i made on the other post is on this one. Whats up with that??

Anyway, my relationship with my dad is really complex and I understand what you mean. You love your parents...but its hard to have that really great bonding-love connection when they don't understand you, or you can't get close, or you can't be yourself. (Plus the whole rice thing..even though its about rice the bigger picture is about different morals or viewpoints...totally understand)....

I'm not sure if you will bond with your parents...I never really did with my dad even though we have great conversations and can get a long really well. (We have a lot of other issues like abuse and stuff, so thats keeping things messed up too...)

But with my mother, we use to fight like crazy. She understood me, i can be myself around her, but for whatever reason we fought like cats and dogs. now that we don't live together we have an amazing relationship alhamdullilah. Me and her are closer than we are with anyone else in our family. Its like being best friends, except mother and daughter. When you are older and live on your own whether for college or after you are married, your relationship will inshallah improve vastly. Its because you can do whatever you want, they can't tell you what to do anymore, but they don't get mad about it because they don't expect you to listen (thats more if you are married and not being taken care of by them). Of course they will give you advice and you'll have a more open mind to listening since you know you don't have to obey them. (of course you are to make your parents happy, but not over something you don't want to do...does that make sense? Like say for instance at your house they like you to do your laundry in a certain way- well if they tell you do to do it at YOUR house when you are older, you don't have to listen. but say you are with them and they would like you to pour the milk a certain way, you can suck it up and do it to make them happy.)

Its based on personal experience and people use to tell me the sammeee thing but I never believed them.

myownpersonalrehab said...

I see what you mean thanks a bunch. Yup those are those cousins. I know I should suck it up sometimes and pick and choose my battles. Ow I'm having another headache right now but having to hide it from my parents because one my mom thinks it's always in my head n I'm faking it. And my dad overreacts n can get mad n blame it all on me.

Amira said...

I dont know what to say I think Alabaster gave some good advice. Inshallah you will feel better soon I kinda know how it feels to keep getting headaches and I know where your coming from with the parents thing. take care of yourself sis.

myownpersonalrehab said...

@ Amira
thanks sis u too!